37. Dieting Again

Day one. I’m on a diet, again. And I am really depressed. I feel sad all the time. I hate this. I’ve got to keep it up though. I want to be skinny.

My diary entry reads…

I am the disgusting weight of 57 kilos. I really want to lose 7 of them. I’m writing down everything I eat every day, so that if I eat too much, I’ll feel guilty. That should help me stick to it.

I really would like to go to Monticelli this summer and hear Mariaclaudia and Sandra Meo and the others say “My God hasn’t she lost weight”. So I’m trying my very, very best because I’m sick of being fat and ugly.

I want to be able to wear nice trousers and look decent in them. I want my bust to be smaller too.

I’m really close to tears but I’m not going to cry, not me!

A few days later, it’s going well. I have lost 2lbs in 3 days.  If I keep this up I’ll look skinny this summer. I’m jogging every day. Yes, me. I know. It’s crazy. I have never been jogging, I hate all sports except for swimming. But if I want to be skinny, this is the price I have to pay. I am determined.

Predictably I don’t keep it up. I can’t keep it up. The diet I have set myself is impossible. I am hungry all the time. And I just don’t have enough willpower to combat starvation. Years later I'll discovcer that no one does.

How sad that this cycle will continue well into my late 30s. Diet, fail, binge, start again. And the more I do it, the worse I feel. And I never get to be skinny with a small bust.

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This was me at the time. I didn't need to diet. There was nothing wrong with my body. But my mother was on a permanent diet and as I wasn't thin, she encouraged me.

The whole world encouraged me to diet, to think that I wasn't thin enough or good enough just as I was. The relentless years of dieting messed with my relationship with food and my body so much that it eventually took me almost ten years to regain a sense of balance and freedom. I made it my work, my mission and that's the only reason I succeeded. So many women stay stuck in that relentless diet/binge cycle for their entire lives. I am lucky and so grateful that I found my way out.

Go to the next story: 38. A School Dance