20. Daydreaming

I don’t know where I would be without daydreaming. I love daydreaming. I wish we could have daydreaming lessons. I would be the star pupil. I stare out of the window and let my mind wander most of the time when I'm in class. I find most of the subjects all desperately boring. Greek Lit, Chemistry, Physics, Maths… I just can’t seem to concentrate. My mind wanders, to Monticelli, to home, to what’s going on outside the window but mainly to imagining my life if I wasn’t stuck in this room, sitting at this desk. I wish I were just about anywhere else. I wish I could be somewhere interesting, where I could be free to think about or do the things I am interested in. I could spend hours and hours reading. Or  thinking about the characters in the books I love. I'd imagine being them and being in their lives. I’m reading Jayne Eyre at the moment. It is the best book I have ever read. I can’t put it down and I’d much rather be reading that than the New Testament or doing quadratic equations. Why we have to learn about these things is baffles me. I don’t understand how I would ever use any of this information and I don’t actually know what quadratic equations are or what they mean. And honestly, the teachers are so dull. Mrs Arnold (formerly Miss Basquill) is our Latin teacher. Is it really bad that when we stand to say good morning I say

“Good morning Mrs Barnold” or “Good Afternoon Mrs Arsquill”?

I know it’s cheeky but I can’t help it. She teaches us Greek Lit as well as Latin. She is so meek and mild, she almost seems scared of us. She talks so quietly I can barely hear what she’s saying. I sometimes think the Iliad might even be quite interesting if she could just bring it to life and help us understand it better, if she could tell us the stories and we could dive into the book and the characters instead of just reading bits out loud and then having to do stupid comprehensions.

Why can’t I just read all day? The field down there looks so inviting, the grass is so green, there is so much space. It looks peacfiul and quiet. I could be lying out there learning all sorts of interesting things if I was just allowed to be free.

I love making up stories. When I went home on the plane last term, I made up that Daddy works in the foreign office. I told the man next to me all about him. I said that he has a very important job and that we live in a very big house with lots of servants. I told him about our tennis courts and swimming pool. I don’t know if I really want these things but I liked making up the story. I described every detail and could see the life I was creating in full colour in my mind.

On the way back I sat next to an English businessman. When he turned to speak to me, I pretended that I couldn’t speak very good English. I don’t know why. It just felt like fun. I answered all his questions in very broken English with a strong French accent. I told him my parents had sent me to boarding school in England to learn the language.

I don’t like school. It feels like a I’m in a cage. It is lonely and boring. And it’s hard work because I have to pretend that I like it all the time. I have to tell Mummy and Daddy that I like it and I have to pretend to my guardians and the teachers that I like it and I have to pretend to the other girls that I am ok and that I like it here.

I don’t like it here. Even when I have fun I don’t like it. I feel lost in this place and I don’t know where to turn to feel safe, except in my daydreams. I am in charge in my daydreams. Everyone does what I decide they will do and everyone behaves in ways that I want them to. The colours and textures and feelings, I choose them all. I get to decide the past, the present and the future and I don’t have to imagine anything that I don’t want to.

********************************

I am still a daydreamer and a dreamer in general. I think my capacity to dream, to invent stories in my head and take myself away from the present served me well at school. It still does today. These days I don’t need to dream to escape my reality, I am fortunate to like the life I am living. But dreaming still plays and important part in my life because my dreams are not just fantasies. For me dreaming, using my imagination is a way to understand and participate in my life. I spend hours thinking about something before I do it. I imagine every aspect, every detail. In my mind I create the most vivid , textured pictures and stories and then, when the time comes for action I am ready. Many a time I turn my dreams into reality. I really do wish there could be a place for dreaming and imagination in the curriculum.